A Day in the Life of a Spoonie-Crip: Notes from the Tightrope

Today is a challenging day. It’s not particularly unusual, but it is difficult – more difficult than some days. There are lots of things that I am failing to do. However, one thing I can (just about) manage is to speak my thoughts and experiences and record them here. I have two reasons for doing this:

  • I am in my flat with no one except my cat for company. I feel desperately alone and sharing things here on my blog is one way of feeling “heard”. When I am this weak and incapable, feelings of being “abandoned” and “vulnerable” are particularly acute. The wheels of Disability Bureaucracy grind exceedingly slowly, and the time spent waiting to find out if you will be provided with support you have been assessed as needing can be particularly distressing.
  • Much experience of disability is absent from collective social consciousness and social imagination. There are disabled people who are unable to narrate their experiences, or to whom a way of doing so that is accessible to those around them remains elusive. Also, the very process of narrating our disabled life experiences involves navigating a tightrope of social norms and preferences, as by definition many of these experiences transgress that which is considered socially “acceptable”. This means that taking up our place in social discourse means necessarily setting ourselves outside of the bounds of social legitimacy – revealing ourselves as the possessors of bodies and minds that are outside of our full control: that disobey our instructions, that wobble, that shake, that leak, that bleed – that fall short. But being “hidden” is unacceptable to me. I have a voice, and I want to use it. I want to take up social space, and I want my needs, desires, and concerns to contribute to social consciousness. Recording my thoughts and experiences here is part of my trying to figure out how I negotiate the personal tightrope, and contradiction that arises from this dilemma.

So here is what my day looks like:

The Physical

I am exhausted today. I need to clarify that – many people, indeed most people will have experienced “exhaustion” so will think they know what I mean, but I want to be clear. I want to do my best to make sure we are on the same page. I am pretty much always “tired”. I wake up feeling worn out, and my daily life feels like a constant battle against falling asleep. Whatever I appear to be doing, I will also be engaged in this battle below the surface. My attention will be divided between whatever you see me doing, and the efforts of keeping awake, silencing pain, and keeping control of my body. That endeavour in itself is tiring. But that is my “normal”. So when I say that I am “exhausted” I mean that I am experiencing something that goes beyond that “normal”.

If you have ever been so completely physically fatigued that you cry uncontrollably, that speaking makes you feel sick, and that you can’t control your body enough to sit up, or to raise your arms, or support your head, that is the kind of “exhausted” I mean. And as ever, the phenomenon doesn’t just affect that which is visible from the outside. This kind of exhaustion also affects your internal organs – particularly your digestive system. The consequences of this physical malfunction are on the “wrong” side of my own personal “tightrope” of things I can and cannot bring myself to discuss publicly. But managing these experiences, particularly with the level of fatigue that causes them, is in itself exhausting. And my inability to bring myself to describe them in graphic detail causes me problems when this is expected of me to try to access help with them. My advocate, my occupational therapist, and my physio are all examples of people with whom I have struggled to navigate that tightrope. Disabled existence is often a balancing act between protecting my dignity and accessing appropriate support.

I am uncomfortable. I am sufficiently medicated to manage my current pain – in fact, today pain is less of an issue than fatigue. However, I can’t sit myself up comfortably in my chair and part of my back rest is digging into me. Again, not the end of the world, just another thing to deal with. I have spasms in my breathing, which means that I do sharp intakes of breath, or sigh involuntarily. It strains my muscles, I am also freezing cold, as a malfunctioning nervous system means I can’t regulate my body temperature effectively. I have an electric heat blanket on my bed, under which I think I will go and hide when I have finished writing this. I am also hungry (I haven’t managed to eat anything today), and I really want to be able to get washed – but I can’t take care of these needs safely and independently on a day like this.

The Emotional

I feel useless, and I feel like a failure. I should be working – but although I am able to speak these words to my computer in order to record this blog, I currently lack the physical and mental energy and strength to do the things I need to do for work. I need to be able to use a mouse, and to pick up and manipulate bundles of documents in order to do that which I should be doing today. Also, I learned the lesson a long time ago, that if I keep trying to work through days like this, my body just throws worse at me. It keeps shouting at me until I have no choice but to listen to it. I am very lucky, in that I mostly have sufficient autonomy in my work that moving things around and working a “non-conventional” schedule are options. This means that my sickness record does not get too out of control (always a concern when looking, or needing to change jobs), but it does rather mean that my life is basically taken up by working or recovering from work. I do love my work – but there are other things I love to do as well.

I also feel a bit like a fraud. The nature of my impairments means that there are not so many things that I absolutely cannot do. Rather, it is more the case that where a typical day for a typical person may be equated with a “gentle stroll” or a “brisk walk” for me it equates to running a marathon. Similarly, I can do things like “walking” (with two elbow-crutches, slowly, and with a determined grimace on my face) and in my brain that becomes the same as regular walking, so I tell myself that I don’t really need my wheelchair and could walk like regular people if I tried. Then I remember the times when I did used to try to walk like regular people, and I realise I can’t, and I get upset and frustrated with myself.

I feel very sad. Last night I dreamed I was walking in the hills by my old house. I used to do this every day during the first couple of years of my PhD. Growing up, and living in the South Pennines, I have always been hugely blessed to have beautiful green places right outside my front door. Given that most of my work involves sitting at my desk in front of my laptop, thinking, and writing, getting outside and “clearing my head” used to be an integral part of my daily routine. I used to walk three or 4 miles most days. My other passions were competitive distance running, swimming (and generally being in water), and dancing. Sometimes, I dream I am doing these things, or I see other people doing them, and for a split-second I forget that I can’t do them anymore. In these instances, it feels like life is a continuous process of hitting brick walls. It’s painful.

Mostly, I feel overwhelmed. The basics of life require so much more of me than I can manage on days like this (indeed, on any day – today it is just more noticeable). Everything, not least the constant onslaught of bureaucracy that goes with being disabled, feels that much more impossible when you have no fuel in the tank. I’m getting better at putting things aside for a “better day” but the trouble is that they are still there waiting to spoil the “better days”. At least then though, I generally have more reserves to deal with them.

I need to stop now, as I’m too tired to keep talking. Thanks for reading.

#AutisticPhDiary 3 – Advance Decisions Study Update, and the Open Justice Court of Protection Project


Observant readers will have noticed that I missed posting my weekly PhD update last Sunday night. This is because I was busy working on an exciting new project that launched last Monday – more of which below. Firstly though, let me fill you in on what I’ve been doing with my PhD.

PhD Update – Why making an Advance Decision is a holistic process

I have been working on my PhD study looking at the views of disabled activists on the subject of advance decision-making: Advance Decisions to Refuse Treatment (ADRT) and Lasting Power of Attorney (LPA). A question I’ve been exploring in my data is why, when so many of the participants seemed to be supportive of the right to refuse treatment, and of Advance Decisions in principle, only one of the 15 people I interviewed had made one for themselves.

One very good reason why a person would choose not to make an ADRT is if there are no treatments they would wish to refuse in advance. Some people have philosophical or practical reasons for this, so I wanted to see if any such reasons were represented among the activists. I found one participant (“Georgia”) who seemed to fit into this category, so I decided to explore her views further.

In our interview, I had asked Georgia if there were any circumstances in which she could envisage that she would wish to refuse treatment, and she said that she couldn’t – “because until I’m there, I don’t know”. Our conversation indicated that, like many people, Georgia viewed an Advance Decision as something that applies to end-of-life circumstances and life-sustaining treatments. She saw the decision as being concerned with whether a person would want to live a (potentially severely disabled) life post-treatment, with treatment refusal being a way to avoid this, adding that “it might not be as bad as we think it would be”; and referring to “research” that indicates people have a tendency to “think things are going to be…awful” living such a life, but that when “it happens to them” the situation is “not as bad as they thought”. This means that she wouldn’t wish to refuse medical treatment in future and risk “missing out” on a quality of life that is more tolerable than she may have predicted.

This kind of view is very prominent in disability rights activism. We are used to defending ourselves from people who tell us (seemingly as a compliment) that they would rather be dead than live with your impairments; and we have experienced our own “journey” of “getting used to” the onset or progression of our impairments. With this as our frame of reference, it can be anathema to us to consider that we may wish to outline a situation in which we would rather refuse life-sustaining treatment than live with profound or severe impairments. It “goes against our grain”. It also seems, on the face of it, to provide a clear-cut illustration of a situation in which an Advance Decision would not be appropriate.

But then I looked at what else Georgia and I discussed during the interview. And I found that we talked about Georgia’s medical history and activism. She told me about a new treatment for her impairment about which she was sceptical, as “I don’t feel it’s been researched properly”. She also worried that the parents of children with her condition were subject to “social pressure” to pursue the treatment for their children, but commented “I don’t think my life is that bad and I have not had the treatment. So why would it be amazing for them to have it?” This treatment is given during childhood, and would not be offered to Georgia. She wouldn’t need to consider making an Advance Decision to protect herself from being subjected to it if she were to lose capacity in the future. In itself, it therefore isn’t a reason to challenge the position that she does not need an ADRT.

What this point does illustrate though is that there are circumstances in which Georgia may contemplate refusing medical treatment. I think this is important, because it shows how important it is to go beyond asking a direct question that seeks to elicit information about specific treatments a person wishes to refuse. In Georgia’s case, such a direct question would establish that she does not wish to refuse any treatments in advance. Instead, it is key to have a comprehensive, nuanced discussion about the person, their experiences and values. Doing so with Georgia has cast doubt on the position that an Advance Decision would be inappropriate for her. Instead, it may be appropriate to provide her with examples of situations in which Advance Decisions can be used in other situations (i.e. not specifically to refuse life-sustaining treatments. Given that we know Georgia is not philosophically opposed to the refusal of medical treatment, and that she is keen to defend life with impairments, it is possible that she may come to a different conclusion regarding her personal use of ADRTs with access to further information. It is also possible that – particularly for a disability rights activist – a direct question regarding their intention to refuse treatment in advance may elicit a defensive response in the way that I outline above. A broader, more nuanced conversation allows for the nuance and person-centred approach that could enable a person to outline their views and values more comprehensively.

I think that I’ll be able to incorporate this finding into my analysis, and that it will contribute to knowledge about how best to support disabled people to access their right to advance decision-making. We shall see…

Exciting news – Launch of new project

As I hinted above, the last couple of weeks have been very busy. This is because Celia Kitzinger and I have launched a new project!

The Open Justice Court of Protection Project promotes transparency and open justice in the English Court of Protection – a court established by the Mental Capacity Act 2005 to make key decisions in the lives of disabled people who lack the capacity to make such decisions for themselves. It builds on Celia’s and my respective research in the Court of Protection, and is encouraging and supporting people to be Public Observers of court hearings, and write about them on our blog.

You can find out more about the project on our website openjusticecourtofprotection.org – It has really taken off, and attracted much more interest than we thought it might, proving that there is a real appetite for promoting transparency and public scrutiny of a court that makes, and sanctions, often life-changing decisions in the lives of some of the most vulnerable members of our society.

I am delighted to be co-directing this project with Celia, and look forward to making a difference and creating socio-legal change with it.

Life in general

Lots of work and excitement means that I am tired right now – and weak. But I am also intellectually, politically, and emotionally energised, and feeling competent and capable. It is such a tightrope being a person with disabilities and chronic illnesses who is passionate about her work, and has high standards about what she wants to achieve in life. Becoming (more) ill in the last couple of years has robbed me of a confidence I used to feel – that I could do anything I put my mind to, if I just worked for it (I am very lucky to have been brought up to believe that by parents who encouraged and believed in me). I have always assumed that things need doing, and my job is to work until they are done.

But chronic pain and chronic fatigue throw a spanner in those works, and life suddenly becomes unpredictable. You never know until you wake up in a morning how you’re going to feel that day – and whether you are going to be efficient, productive, and able to manage pain; or whether you’re going to spend most of the day in bed, crying because you know you’ll feel better if you eat, but you can’t get to the food – and you’ve had to cancel meetings and extend deadlines, and you hate letting people down. And unlike for most people, this isn’t a “sick day”, this is your life. You can’t guarantee that you’ll feel better tomorrow or the next day. What if this is yet another “progression” of your disease? What if this is the “new normal”?

But right now, I am working hard and enjoying myself. I feel like someone who can do things – not like a “disabled person” (I know those two categories are not mutually exclusive). All the symptoms, and the disability-bureaucracy are still there, but they’re not my focus. Hyper-focusing on work enables me to put them into the background, and concentrate on something good, and useful, and important.

It’s inevitable that exhaustion and pain, and sickness, and inability to work will be features of my life for the rest of my life. But I refuse to live my life on that basis. I will cross that bridge when I come to it, and enjoy doing what I love until then. One day at a time.

My experience of working from home; and why separate is not equal.

Earlier today I had a new experience. I delivered an Autism Awareness training session from my flat. I’ve been writing and running training courses on autism for over a decade, but today was the first time I’d done so using technology to deliver the session from home. This came about due to the restrictions we are all currently experiencing, arising from the Coronavirus Pandemic, and it generated for me a list of thoughts about what went well, what went not so well, and what we might do differently next time. I’d thought I might write up this experience – envisaging a sort of “How To…” contribution to the growing body of literature about “remote” pedagogy that is understandably sprouting up in the fertile ground of Lockdown. I had thought that I’d share how we navigated technology across a range of different platforms with varying capacities for running the software we were using, and how we communicated with people who had little experience of using this technology to get them logged onto the session, while not being able to see what they could see on their version of the platform. I thought I might share how disconcerting it feels not being able to see people’s faces fully as I talked to them, and how odd it felt to have a bunch of strangers in my home. I might well write such an account if I feel I have things to add that haven’t already been written about online interaction in the circumstances in which we currently find ourselves.

But there is another aspect of my experience that I didn’t expect to affect me in the way it did. There is a part of working from home in this otherwise very “public” part of my various work roles that I hadn’t even considered in my preparation for this afternoon, and in my angst-riddled role-playing about all the myriad ways in which things might not go according to plan. And it is an experience that my mind is left turning over, and wondering what I do with it – and what I do about it.

Funnily enough, this particular experience was one of liberation. It happened when I realised, as the session began, and I started to talk, that the participants could only see my face. This mattered because, unlike in face-to-face sessions, this meant that they couldn’t see my wheelchair. These were all people (with the exception of my colleague who was facilitating the session) who hadn’t met me before. They knew me only as a one-inch by one-inch square on a screen, and that was such a liberating feeling. I hadn’t realised until then quite how exhausting it is holding all the feelings that result from being on the receiving end of the Able Gaze. Other visibly disabled people will know what I’m talking about (and I know other groups of visibly “different” people articulate similar phenomena). It can be the quick-look-and-look-away, as people go out of their way not to be caught staring. It can be people falling over themselves to make it clear that they don’t actually see the chair (what?). It’s the ways in which people make exaggerated hand gestures as you pass – waving you on. Or the distance people leave around you, as though you might run them down – and how parents shoot out their arms to protect you from their incoming children (or vice versa) – do they realise they are taking part in this commedia dell-arte? Or it’s the silent wall of wondering – when you don’t know what people are thinking: if they’re thinking some of the things that other people will come out and say – like “what’s wrong with you?”, or “how long have you been wheelchair-bound?” or “have you got a license for that?” or “wow, you really have a job?” or “do you have anyone with you?”. Or if it’s the more hostile thoughts – like the people who will appear to offer to “help” you, as an opportunity to try to grab your bag, or your boob. It’s the people who explain that people like you are scroungers – not you of course. Just people like you. It’s the exhaustion of being constantly seen – until it comes to a time when it would be good if people did actually see, or think about, people like us; or factor in our concerns into their planning and shaping of society. Then we are very much not seen. The paradox of hyper-visible invisibility.

Anyway, this afternoon, sitting at home in front of my computer – none of these aspects of the Able Gaze was getting at me. I was an inch square in a grey box – just like everyone else. I even had to make verbally explicit that I was a wheelchair-user when it was relevant to a point I was making. It was a powerful experience. And the particularly striking thing is that while I knew I noticed all of those phenomena, I hadn’t appreciated quite how much of my time is spent adjusting for the ways in which they dart through my mind. And I hadn’t realised quite how very exhausting it is.

And then I thought, for just a very little while – wouldn’t it be heavenly to be able to work like this all the time! Wouldn’t it be lovely to be free of the Able Gaze! And then I got angry. Because why on earth should I retreat like that? We may all be experiencing the circumscribing of our opportunities to take up social space right now. But why should I be welcoming this as a longer-term solution to the un-expecting, uncomfortable, or hostile reactions to the fact that I navigate the world by wheels rather than legs? It is frankly terrifying how easy it is to succumb to, often seemingly benign, oppression – simply because it is the more comfortable solution. But that is unfair, and unjust. Enforced separateness is not equality. It never has been, and it never will be.

This experience has reminded me of the ways in which I share with many, many other individuals and social groups the discomfort, and the danger that goes with being visibly “different” – with daring to flaunt our transgression of society’s norms in society’s shared spaces. It has reminded me of how much work we have to do, before society is a truly safe and equal space. And it has also warned me of how very easy it is to settle for “separate” – when in fact, nothing other than equal should be acceptable to us. Ever.

#AutisticPhDiary 2 – Refusal of Medical Treatment, Advance Decisions, and Disability Justice

Week Two: 1st June – 7th June

This has been a very busy week!

I submitted my Examination Entry form this week – which is the paperwork in preparation for the submission of my thesis, and my viva. It’s all feeling very “real” now.

My PhD work this week has continued to focus on the chapter analysing the views of disabled activists on advance decision-making. I have been writing about the right to refuse treatment on which the concept of the Advance Decision to Refuse Treatment (ADRT) is based. Legally speaking, the right of a “competent” adult to refuse treatment is clear-cut and established in case-law (see, for example, Re. B (Adult: Refusal of Medical Treatment) 2002 2 All ER 449); however, as my data shows, in reality the process of refusing treatment is often experienced more accurately as a “bargain” with healthcare professionals, where inequalities of knowledge and status, as well as concerns about the long-term consequences of refusal may compromise a person’s access to this right. Some of my interviewees reported being seen as disruptive, or the ending of relationships with specific consultants as a result of their attempt to refuse treatment offered. I see this part of my analysis as contributing to my attempt to highlight the specific context in which disabled people approach the subject of advance decision-making – with experiences of treatment-refusal, and its consequences, being things with which my interviewees were very familiar. I have found that the activists I spoke to were supportive of the right to refuse treatment, even though their experiences in practice were often not so clear-cut.

This week, I also had the pleasure of being interviewed by Alex Ruck-Keene (a barrister at 39 Essex Chambers, who specialises in Mental Capacity law) as part of his Lockdown video podcast series. This was a great opportunity, for which I chose to talk about my research on Advance Decisions and Disability Rights. You can see my interview from Alex’s website here. In the interview, I talked about how challenging it can be, and the tensions that can arise when individual adults make (advance) decisions that may be understood as invalidating certain types of disabled existence. I set out my view, that no decisions are made in a social vacuum, and that both disability rights, and the right to individual autonomy are key political concerns that need to be pursued and protected. I feel strongly that the liberation of disabled people from stigma and discrimination should not come at the cost of oppressing people who make medical decisions for themselves that we find challenging. This discussion was particularly timely given the judgment handed down this week in what has been widely referred to as the “Stoma Case” – Barnsley NHS Foundation Trust v MSP [2020] EWCOP 26 (1 June 2020). The case concerned whether it was in the best interests of a man to continue receiving clinically-assisted nutrition and hydration. He had previously made an (invalid) Advance Decision, indicating that he would refuse treatment that would lead to him living with an irreversible stoma (he had prior experience of a temporary stoma). In deciding that it was in the man’s best interests to honour his wishes, expressed in the invalid Advance Decision, the judge was careful to emphasise that this was about respecting an individual decision, rather than a value-judgment about the lives of other people who live with stoma. You can read the judgment in full here.

One aspect of the role of the Advance Decision in this case that I find particularly interesting is the fact that in refusing an irreversible stoma, MSP was in fact refusing treatment of which he had some prior experience. It is a common view among disabled people, and was one expressed by the activists I interviewed, that life with disability is something that one can “get used to”, and that the reason behind many ableist assumptions about the quality of life of people with impairments is a lack of knowledge, or experience of life with those impairments. However, in MSP’s case, he wished to avoid the consequences of a treatment with which he had previously lived. This is similar to my own experience of making an ADRT, as one of the treatments I refuse is a treatment I have previously experienced, and which I found so horrific that my reasoning for refusing it in advance is not so much concerned with the consequences of receiving such treatment again in the future, but rather with the improvement to my quality of life in the present time, of knowing that I will never be in a position to have this treatment inflicted on me in future, and not be able to protect myself by withholding my consent. In this sense, I feel that while the concept of ADRT is generally considered to be future-oriented, it can also have a strong contemporaneous value to the person making it.

In other news, I was pleased to learn that an abstract I submitted for the Society of Legal Scholars (virtual) conference 2020 was accepted for the Practice, Profession, and Ethics stream of the conference. The title of my paper is “Seen to be done? An exploration of the role of the Court of Protection Transparency Pilot in advancing Disability Justice”, and it builds on my research as a public observer in court to advance an argument for the role of “transparency” in disability politics. The conference will take place 1 – 4 September, and more information is available here.

Life in General

Life is busy as always! I am working hard, preparing resources to deliver Autism Training online to mental health professionals at the end of the coming week. I am also excited to be looking forward to doing an online Q and A session for Scottish Autism, discussing advocacy and self-advocacy for autistic people. This will be happening on a date to be confirmed, sometime towards the end of July. More info to follow.

I also continue to be proud of the impact we are making with the Autistic Mutual Aid Fund. It has been a special privilege this week, in the face of global reminders of racial injustice, to be able to reach out to Black autistic advocacy organisations in order to ensure that everyone benefits from the community generosity encapsulated in the fund. You can find out more about the fund, and contribute or apply for a grant via this link.

I’m still struggling with the exhaustion, guilt, and fear of being a disabled #AutisticsInAcademia approaching the end of my PhD. Most of all, I love this work (and the activism that surrounds it) so much, it feels heart-breaking to worry that I may not get the chance to do more of it – in my mind, this is a risk mostly because nobody is likely to want to employ someone who looks as “weak” as me. I get myself past this fear by reminding myself that the majority of the work I enjoy most is unpaid anyway so there’s nothing really to stop me carrying on post-PhD – the silver lining of capitalist exploitation!

Right now, I’m excited about the week ahead – especially about spending more time with my data. But I need to rest, otherwise pain will get the better of me.

Wishing you a fulfilling week.

Autistic Mutual Aid Fund – COVID-19 Donations Please!

Donate to the AUTISTIC MUTUAL AID FUND here.

Apply to the Fund here. 

These are tough times, with most of us reeling from the impact of Coronavirus. And with businesses, schools, and universities closing their physical premises, the supermarket shelves emptying, and plans being cancelled, we’re facing a disturbing present, and an uncertain future.

And for some members of our autistic community, the future is particularly daunting.

Many autistic people work as self-employed speakers, trainers, and other forms of autistic advocate. They perform a role that benefits all of us – autistic people, parents/carers, teachers, and health and social care professionals; and all who love and care for autistic people.
But with conferences and events being cancelled, and schools and other venues closing as a result of the ongoing COVID-19 emergency, they are facing a devastating cut in their livelihoods.

And we want to do anything we can to ‘give back’ to these members of our community.

So, we’re setting up a fund – The Autistic Mutual Aid Fund – with the aim of making life just a bit easier for our autistic advocates at this challenging time [Please note that the organisers of the Fund will not be eligible to claim from it]. 

Donate to the AUTISTIC MUTUAL AID FUND here.

Apply to the Fund here. 

Here is some information about the Fund:

Who/what is the Fund for?

The Autistic Mutual Aid Fund is for autistic people who are self-employed, working in the field of autism advocacy (broadly defined), who are facing significant financial losses as a result of the COVID-19 outbreak, and its impact.

It is intended to provide a ‘Helping Hand’ – covering relatively small, discreet costs incurred by people in this position. It is NOT intended to replace all, or most of the income lost; or to cover all of the outgoings of self-employed autistic advocates – a)because this is the role of the government; and b) because the fund is likely to be quite small-scale, and capable of making only small discretionary grants.

Examples of things that may be covered by grants from the Fund include, but are not limited to:

Costs of taxi travel where travel on public transport is not possible for either autism- or virus-related reasons; costs of equipment or software etc to move business online, and advertise new services; contributions to specific household/utility bills; costs related to maintaining autistic equilibrium in challenging times (e.g. purchasing specific groceries for restrictive diet, purchasing/replacing stim toys, replacing specific toiletries, or other sensory-related products that run out during period of income-loss.

Other requests will be considered at the Organisers’ discretion.

More about the Fund:

At the current time, it is uncertain how many donations the Fund will attract, and over what period of time. If the Fund proves self-sustaining, it is possible that there will be scope to continue it beyond the period of the COVID-19 outbreak, and perhaps to broaden its scope. 

Given the level of current uncertainty, it is possible that other, larger funds may emerge, with overlapping aims to this one. In such circumstances, the organisers retain the right to close the Autistic Mutual Aid Fund, and to donate any remaining balance of donations to the similar, larger Fund. 
All applications to the Autistic Mutual Aid Fund will be considered by the Organisers (Gillian Loomes and Shona Murphy), and granted at our discretion. Nothing in this publicity, or in the application survey, constitute an offer of a grant. 

The maximum amount of any single Helping Hand grant will be £100. It is possible that this may be revised in future, depending on the status of the Fund. However, we ask applicants to bear in mind that this is likely to be a small fund, and is intended as a gesture of support and ‘good will’ to make lives just a little bit easier in challenging times. We ask you to respect this gesture, by a) being thoughtful and sensible in the requests you make of the Fund; and, b) being understanding and respectful if the Organisers need to turn down your application for any reason.

Who are we?

We are:

Gillian Loomes
Gillian Loomes is an autistic scholar-activist. She held a teaching fellowship at ACER (the Autism Centre for Education and Research), University of Birmingham for several years, and has experience as a research consultant; including for the Autism Education Trust, the International Disability Rights Monitor, and the Essl Foundation. Her recent publications address topics relating the autism as social identity, ‘autistic feminism’, and the role of research participation and collaboration within the politics of disability rights. Gillian works for Leeds Autism AIM, and is a convenor of PARC (the Participatory Autism Research Collective). She tweets regularly, and can be followed @loomesgill.

Gillian’s website is voicespaces.co.uk

Shona Murphy
Shona is an autistic autism trainer. She has an MA in Autism, where she researched autistic parenthood, and also does consultancy in autism research, supports autistic people, and does a variety of voluntary work supporting and advocating for autistic people.

Shona’s website is shonamurphy.me 

Donate to the AUTISTIC MUTUAL AID FUND here.

Apply to the Fund here. 

GLPhDProgress #1: Do (In)actions have Consequences? – Questioning accountability in the Mental Capacity Act 2005

[Side note: Happy New Year! I’ve decided I’m going to try to write a blog summarizing my PhD work, and related thinking, every week. Wednesdays are traditionally my day off, so now seems as good a time as any to get going…]

Why do we obey the law?

This is probably one of those jurisprudential questions that verges on the unanswerable, perhaps precisely because there are so many possible answers. And indeed, the question of obedience to the law has been debated extensively among legal philosophers (see, for example, the edited collection of readings on “The Duty to Obey the Law” by Edmonson, 1998). My aim here is not to try to provide an answer to this philosophical question.

But I have been reflecting on what “accountability” means in the context of the Mental Capacity Act 2005: taking as my starting point the perhaps rather simplistic assumption that if a law exists, its impact should be discernible in the consequences of its observance, but also of its transgression. I.e. If you break the law, you should hold a reasonable expectation of personal consequences as a result.

As I have been working through the analysis of my dataset for my current project (a textual ethnography of research ethics application processes for research involving participants who lack the capacity to consent – engaging ss.30-34 MCA 2005), I have noticed how many times I’ve referred to the “responsibilities” of the researcher – their “obligations” and “duties”, under either the law, or other forms of professional or institutional regulatory governance frameworks. And this has led me to question the nature of these responsibilities – particularly, what happens if the researcher fails to meet their legal obligations under the MCA 2005?

It has seemed rather difficult to identify any single, universally applicable answer to this question. But here are some of my findings and thoughts so far:

  • Institutions sometimes refer to the MCA 2005 in their ethics application forms, but they don’t always. When they don’t do this, they direct researchers working with participants who “lack capacity” to NHS research ethics protocols. If they do refer to the law, this may be to inform the researcher (sometimes erroneously) as to what the MCA 2005 “requires”.
  • The MCA 2005 sets out, in general terms, what is “required” of the researcher (although it is necessary to consult secondary legislation, and additional legal and professional guidance documentation for definition and clarification).
  • The MCA 2005 states that research that does not abide by the requirements set out in the Act is “unlawful”. However, it makes no mention of any consequences arising directly from such illegality.
  • I have been unable to find any cases where researchers experienced legal sanctions as a direct result of failure to adhere to the MCA 2005.
  • It seems most likely that consequences of failure to follow the Act may arise indirectly, depending on the type of research undertaken, and what this involves for participants. For example, if research involving the administering of a specific treatment is undertaken involving participants who lack the capacity to consent, and the framework set out in ss.3–34 MCA 2005 are not followed, the research itself is “unlawful”. This means that the treatment administered was given without the required “best interests” process set out elsewhere in the Act, and would therefore constitute assault/battery. It is perhaps harder to think how this may apply to research that is less invasive (e.g. research involving interviewing) – although as the obtaining of “intrusive” personal data via unlawful research may be construed as fraudulent, it is likely that redress may be sought via fraud, or data protection legislation.
  • My analysis of the full legal, ethical, professional, and institutional regulatory frameworks that apply to researchers working with participants who lack the capacity to consent has shown that the majority of “consequences” relating to transgression of the framework set out in the MCA 2005 are to be inferred from institutional/professional regulation mechanisms that indirectly invoke the Act – e.g. Research Governance Codes of Conduct that require researchers to follow any law relating to their proposed research undertakings. As such codes form part of the studentship/employment contracts existing between the researcher and the institution, personal consequences (e.g. dismissal for gross misconduct) are likely to be swift and devastating to the researcher.
  • This last point reinforces, and reminds me of how important it is that I research and understand the Mental Capacity Act 2005 as a socio-cultural structure that exists within a complex matrix of social domains. In this instance, the “reach” of the MCA 2005 is perhaps felt most acutely, not in the Court of Protection, but in the university Human Resources department.

I have also been trying to identify wider consequences of failure to adhere to the MCA 2005. The Act brought with it a new criminal offense – that of “Ill treatment or wilful neglect of a person lacking capacity” (s.44 MCA 2005).

Some case law involving this offense is available here: https://www.39essex.com/case_tag/criminal-offences-ill-treatment-wilful-neglect/

Another case of interest to my own research (that relating to Advance Decisions to Refuse Treatment) is that of Jillian Rushton: a retired nurse who received Clinically Assisted Nutrition and Hydration via a feeding tube following a brain injury, contrary to the provisions of her ADRT – seemingly due to a failure of healthcare professionals/organisations to maintain and communicate her ADRT. The case (NHS Cumbria CCG v Mrs Jillian Rushton (by her Litigation Friend) and Mr Tim Rushton [2018] EWCOP 41) is reported here (https://www.bailii.org/ew/cases/EWCOP/2018/41.html) – though is of limited relevance to the issue of sanction for non-compliance with the Act, because as Mr Justice Hayden made clear in the judgment, he was not asked to consider matters of responsibility for failure to adhere to Mrs Rushton’s ADRT, and did not address this in the judgment.

Lastly, for now, my own ethnographic work in the Court of Protection identifies a consequence for Local Authorities of failure to adhere to an aspect of the MCA 2005 that has widely been interpreted as a bureaucratic burden for LAs – the Deprivation of Liberty Safeguards (DoLS). On more than one occasion, hearings I had planned to attend were vacated at short notice, at the request of a Local Authority that was unprepared for the hearing. However, on one occasion, the LA in question assumed the judge would agree to vacate, and therefore did not attend the hearing. This was not, in fact, the case. The judge had not agreed to the request to vacate, meaning that an (unsurprisingly short and unproductive) hearing took place, with costs being awarded against the Local Authority.

I would like to expand this list of “consequences of non-compliance with the MCA 2005” – by adding themes, and details, and by considering the impact of non-compliance from multiple perspectives.

If you have thoughts or experiences to add, please get in touch!

Introducing Project Evaluation: How can it help our voices to be heard? [Video + Transcript]

Alongside my academic research and other arts and activism, I work for an advocacy organisation in Leeds called Advonet. Part of this role has involved being a work-based evaluator for a very exciting endeavour – the Leeds LGBTQ+ Health Inclusion Project. This is a project that uses self-advocacy/peer support, and the training of healthcare professionals to address the exclusion and inequalities experienced by members of LGBTQ+ communities who have “additional needs” (i.e. who are autistic, have a learning disability, and/or who experience mental health difficulties).

My role as evaluator involves observing the project as it develops – sitting in on self-advocacy workshops and training sessions, and talking to project staff, and participants, to find out what they think about its achievements. In order to do this, it is essential that I am able to build a rapport with all those involved with the project, but I’ve found a problem with this, as it’s been difficult to communicate what my role involves. This has meant that project staff are unsure how to introduce me, and people are slightly concerned as they don’t know what to expect from me. This is especially challenging, given the personal, sensitive nature of much of the discussion that takes place in the workshops and training sessions. I needed to come up with a way to communicate what I’m trying to achieve.

Alongside this, I’m keen to start a conversation within the voluntary sector more widely – to discuss how we evaluate ourselves: how we celebrate our many achievements, and how we make our work even better.

So – I came up with the idea of making a video presentation (using PowerPoint and YouTube), in order to communicate my ideas around project evaluation – and, particularly, how we might use evaluation as a tool to ensure that all those involved in our projects and partnerships have the opportunity to have their “voice” heard in taking the work forward.

This style of presentation/communication itself is a work-in-progress. Things I’m aware of so far include the fact that the video is too long overall, perhaps because I’m communicating to multiple audiences. I think it may be difficult to hold people’s attention for so long. I’m also aware that in places, the text on the slides doesn’t sync with what I say in the audio. This is because as I was figuring out my working method, I edited things considerably. In future, I think I’ll be much clearer about what I’m doing, and about how much content I’ll be aiming to include altogether, meaning things will be much more fluently presented.

I’d really like to know how else I might develop these kinds of communication tools (both conceptually and technically).

Here is the video. I’ll copy the transcript below:

Transcript

Slide 1

Introducing Project Evaluation: How does it help our voices be heard.

Welcome to this short film, providing an introduction to project evaluation– and explaining the evaluation of the Leeds LGBTQ+ Health Inclusion Project.

This film is for anyone involved with the project – including project facilitators, peer supporters, self-advocates, and funders; along with anyone interested in carrying out project evaluations for other, similar, projects.

A transcript of what I am saying is available in the “notes” section of the PowerPoint file, or in the description box below the video, if you’re watching on YouTube. If you have any questions, contact details are provided at the end of the film – feel free to get in touch.

Slide 2

Hi,

I’m Gill Loomes, project evaluator for the Leeds LGBTQ+ Health Inclusion Project.

As a disabled person, I care about disabled voices being heard, and as a researcher, I want to use my skills to make that happen.

In this short film, I explain what project evaluation is, particularly how it’s being done at the Leeds LGBTQ+ Health Inclusion Project, – including how you can get involved, and how it can help us to be heard…

Slide 3

The word “evaluation” can have different meanings. But, in broad, simple terms, it means something like “checking the progress or merit of a thing, according to agreed standards”. When it comes to projects like the Leeds LGBTQ+ Health Inclusion Project, this is often thought to mean checking whether the project is delivering “value for money”.

You might think that the process of evaluating a project, such as the Leeds LGBTQ+ Health Inclusion Project, sounds like a rather boring job, that produces pages of words and numbers that no one will ever read. Or you might see it as obligatory – something we have to do, in order to keep the organisations that fund our projects happy. And it is often the case that funders require projects to evaluate their progress – for example, the Leeds LGBTQ+ Health Inclusion Project is funded by the Government Equality Office, which requires all projects that it funds to provide evaluations – in order to check how funding is being spent, and also to provide information that might be useful to other, similar projects.

But, depending on how it’s designed and carried out, a project evaluation can serve another important purpose – one that should matter a lot to advocacy, and self-advocacy organisations: a project evaluation can be an opportunity for all those involved in the project to have their say, and to have their voice heard – about how the project is run, about the difference it makes in society, and about what is working, and what is not working.

In this way, an evaluation can be an opportunity to promote equality within a project, and to ensure that everyone’s voice is heard. As it says here – [reads quote above from House, 1993]

So, let’s take a look at how a project evaluation can work – and how the evaluation of the Leeds LGBTQ+ Health Inclusion Project aims to ensure that the voices of everyone involved in the project are heard.

Slide 4

There are 2 more slides in this film. They explore the following questions [reads questions on slide]

Slide 5

So, the first question we are going to think about is “What is Project Evaluation – and how can it help our voices to be heard?”

We can think about what an evaluation is by answering 3 questions:

How (is the evaluation done) – an evaluation looks at something systematically – that is, it’s organised, and happens according to a plan.

What (does the evaluation do) – it produces information about a project, and the effects of the project.

Who (is the evaluation for) – anyone who is interested in the project; how it works, and how it can be improved. 

We can think about what an evaluation considers:

Project goals: How has the project met their goals? Have their goals changed in response to the priorities of project participants?

Decision-making: How does decision-making happen within the project? Is it efficient? Who gets a say in important decisions? Who is responsible for making sure things get done?

Different explanations: When evaluating a project, how do you ensure that different views about the project and how it works are represented?

Different users: When planning what questions to ask in an evaluation, think about who is going to use the evaluation. What do project participants need to know about the project? What do project funders need to know? How do you ensure you ask, and answer the right questions?

And we can think about what is important to make sure that an evaluation helps voices to be heard:

The evaluation must be responsive to the needs of project participants.

It can be goal-flexible, ensuring that different goals prioritized by participants are represented.

It ensures that alternative explanations and perspectives are represented and explored.

And it considers the needs of all users of the project, and the evaluation.

On the next slide, we’ll see how the evaluation of the Leeds LGBTQ+ Health Inclusion Project considers each of these things in its evaluation.

Slide 6

The LGBTQ+ Health Inclusion Project works to improve access to healthcare services for members of LGBTQ+ communities who are autistic, who have a learning disability, and/or who experience mental health difficulties. It does this by organising self-advocacy courses, and peer-support for members of these communities, and by offering training, designed and delivered by people with lived experience of these issues, to healthcare professionals.

The Government Equality Office, which provides the funding for the project , needs an evaluation of how the project works, and what it achieves. It needs to be able to show how public money has been spent.

The evaluation also provides an important opportunity for participants to have their say about what has worked, and what they might do differently.

And we also hope that the evaluation will be useful to other people and organisations looking to set up similar projects, so that they can learn from our experiences.

In order to provide information about the project that will be useful to all the people who are interested in the evaluation, and to ensure that we provide all the information that is needed, the evaluation is in two parts: An independent evaluator (called Tia) will look at the project from the “outside”, focusing mostly on how the project has achieved the goals it set out to achieve.

Alongside the independent evaluation, I am undertaking a work-based evaluation to give participants an opportunity to have their say about their experiences of the project.

If you are involved in the Leeds LGBTQ+ Health Inclusion Project, you might well come across Tia and me at some point. We may pop into a workshop you are involved in – this is to see how the workshops run, and to look at what works well, and what might be organised differently. And it is to give people an opportunity to describe their experiences with the project.

A word about what evaluation is NOT:

It is NOT to record details of discussions that are taking place, or to “check up” on anyone involved in the project – and anyone involved in the project with any questions or concerns should feel free to speak to Tia or me, at any time.

Contact details for me, and for Advonet (the organisation hosting the project) are on the next slide)

Slide 7

Thank you for listening to this short film. Please feel free to get in touch about the evaluation, or about the Leeds LGBTQ+ Health Inclusion Project itself.

Thanks so much for checking out this blog – I’d love to hear your thoughts about communicating ideas, research findings, evaluations, anything…

Support and Self-Advocacy: How to Meet a New Support Worker

I’m quite used to being supported by support workers/PAs in different capacities – having had educational and employment support in different forms for the last 20 years or so. I’ve also BEEN a support worker. However, no matter how “used to” it I get, I still find the initial meeting with a new support worker – or rather, a worker in a new role, challenging and extremely anxiety/panic-inducing.

I’m not too sure to what extent this is impacted by my autism – I suspect my autism plays at least a contributing part in my discomfort, given that what I struggle with most is interacting with a “new” person. It just generally feels like I don’t know what to expect – what the person will say, how I might respond, what comes next etc – without having “learned” how a person communicates, I find it extremely difficult to predict what they might say in any given context, meaning I can’t prepare or “rehearse”, as I would before meeting with someone I know. However, I’m fairly certain that many people (autistic or not) would find being supported for the first time, or in a new context, challenging – so I hope that this blog might help.

Today, I met a new PA at uni. This is a different kind of support, to add to that which I already have in place, so I was very apprehensive. What we did during the session was to put together a list of things that it’s useful to know, in order to support me effectively. This list is not exhaustive – because of the nature of support work, you often have to work with lots of people, who only get to meet you at short notice, and it’s difficult to get information to your team in advance. So it’s important that the list is something that can be given to the worker at the start of the session, and that they can look through quickly without being “over-faced”. So the list prioritises things that someone needs to know as soon as they meet me – taking into account that at this point, I’m likely to be extremely anxious, and not as competent at verbal communication as I ordinarily am. Other things I can explain as I get to know each support worker over time.

I’ve also prioritised putting in writing aspects of my preferred support that go most against how support workers are trained, and what is perceived as “good” support (for me, the clearest example of this is the fact that I prefer support workers to make suggestions about what we might do, that I’m happy to agree or disagree with, rather than them leaving this totally up to me). I’ve found in the past that people can feel very uncomfortable with (what they perceive to be) “taking control”, so putting in writing that this is what I need in order for me to make autonomous decisions from the beginning can give “permission” for them to work in a way that is truly “person-centred” for me. For this reason, it was really helpful to make this list along with one of my support workers, in order to get her input about how support workers are trained, and what is expected of them.

I’ll have copies of the list with me at the start of each support session.

I’m reproducing it here, in case it helps anyone else to communicate with new support workers, or lessens their anxiety about doing so:

Introduction for New Support Workers

I’m Gill Loomes. I’m a PhD student – I have multiple physical disabilities and autism, and I’m a wheelchair user. Here are some things that it’s helpful for you to know, in order to support me.

Meeting:

  • It’s best to meet me in Disability Services. I’ll try to wait in reception, but I might need to go to the Quiet Room. If I need to go to the Quiet Room, I’ll let whoever is at the reception desk know that this is where I’ve gone.
  • As I’m autistic, I often experience extreme sensory overload and “panic” when meeting someone for the first time. This means I might not look at you, I might flap my hands and tap, and/or I might struggle to speak, and stutter. When this happens, it helps me if you give me time and plenty of physical space. If you want to talk to me, it helps if you start with my name (I prefer “Gill” to “Gillian”) in order to get my attention. Please DON’T try to finish my sentences for me.

Being Person-Centred:

I appreciate that you will want to provide “person-centred” support for me, and to enable my autonomy. For me, person-centred support includes:

  • I find open-ended questions very overwhelming and demanding (e.g. “what shall we do today?” “where do you want to go for coffee?”). It’s better if you give me a yes/no, or either/or choice (e.g. “Are we going straight to the library, or are there other things to do first?”)
  • As a PhD student, I mostly need physical support in writing up my thesis. I can tell you exactly what to do. I just need help with skills requiring fine motor co-ordination and arm mobility (e.g. typing, using mouse etc).
  • Please can you prompt me to take short breaks? – Approx. every 20 mins

Thank you very much.

Hope you find this useful.

I’d be interested to hear how other people get on with working with new support staff – or how support workers feel about meeting new people. What have you found effective? What is best avoided?

“Reasonable Adjustments” for #AutisticsInAcademia: The Community Speaks…

I made a request on Twitter for people working or studying in academia to share what adjustments or accommodations work to make things better for them. As usual, #AutisticsInAcademia came through, and made some great suggestions. I’ve compiled them into a list below.

You can find the original thread (including some wider discussion of relevant issues) here: https://twitter.com/LoomesGill/status/1147086537210904576

You can follow me on Twitter @Loomesgill

And you can keep in touch with autistic people working/studying in academia internationally via the hashtag: #AutisticsInAcademia

Here are the things that #AutisticsInAcademia have found useful:

  • Having someone outside of the institution to provide advice and support.
  • Attending meetings and events via video-conferencing.
  • Clear expectations.
  • Captions for video/audio.
  • Option to work from home.
  • Following things up in writing, as verbal instructions/discussions can be forgotten.
  • Using (noise-cancelling) headphones in open-plan or shared offices.
  • Working part-time.
  • Using lamps instead of strip-lights.
  • Having a designated desk, rather than hot-desking.
  • Context and detail when people ask questions.
  • Having unspoken/unwritten rules written down.
  • Flexible working.
  • Having a mentor.
  • Mental health support.
  • Access to quiet space.
  • Autism training for colleagues.
  • Prior notice, and support during changes.
  • Warning about any noisy/crowded events on campus.
  • Accessible parking.
  • Support with admin and form-filling.
  • Recording meetings and classes.
  • Completing work orally, rather than in writing.
  • Access to a note-taker.
  • Access to pdf documents to read with screen-reader.

Do you have any further suggestions? Or any comments about being #AutisticsInAcademia? Feel free to respond in the Comments Section. I’ll update this article periodically to expand our discussion.

Roundabout

Get up, fall down

Get up, fall down

Metaphors of the Fight

Resonate right now.

Two steps forward; three steps back

Repeat ad nauseum

It hurts:

To fail

[Intransitive verb] “To stop functioning normally”

To be  

The embodiment of defeat

To claim Descartes as self-defence

Body-mind, body-mind

But where am I?

To disappoint

[Transitive verb] “To fail to meet expectations”

As childish moral inculcations

Crumble

Defeated edifices

Before beaten eyes

To surrender

[Transitive verb] “To give up completely”

To let

Teardrops punch pillows

With angry fists

The release

Of hostage frustrations

To rage

Against the dying of intellect

Against the theft of corporeal liberty

Breeze in sweeping hair, water on grateful skin

Sensual freedom

Robbed before sleeping eyes

Collect your self

Start again

Reshape your self

Repair exposed, wounded gaps

I will not give up

I will not give up

I will not give up

I will not

Give up

Da capo ad finitum